Soul Searching and Sinful Satisfaction

After a quarter of an average lifespan already lived, how does one find solace while stuck in a liminal abyss? Searching for answers leads only to more questions and received answers never satisfy a thirsty mind. Living life with no direction or dictation seems without purpose, and living strictly by the books, for a sole cause, only brings distaste and a want for a more suitable conviction. My anguish stems not from a lack of circumspection but more from a worry. A worry that manifests itself in my waking sleep and otherwise waking life. The cancerous apprehension multiplies, yielding an ambiguous blob of doubt, indecision, and remorse for past actions. I crave attention but loathe overbearing company. Narcissistic tendencies flood the bathroom mirror while alone but rapidly vanish from the vanity when insecurities arise in the presence of others. I want to love myself and others without ever casting a condescending comment towards another. Experience tells me that our personal vices grip hard and remain steadfast and that perturbs my sleep deprived body. When I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can hear the train coming down the tracks, I don't want to bring along any residual baggage of past flaws. I want the next station to be the next chapter of new life and a better me.