A call to wanderlust

I've been trapped in my mind more than usual lately. Thoughts of surfing powerful swells or careening the sides of towering mountains occupy my mind while corporate America sucks me deeper in. A cosmopolitan man, I might be, but some wisdom still stands: we are truly prisoners of our possessions and perhaps our wants and fears as well.

Living an examined life isn't always the easiest way but I know no other path. Following the example of environmentalists, I want to live deeply and see the world through my own eyes. Traveling and experiencing cultures and people, I desire to become lost in awe as opposed to become lost in the weight of worldly possessions.

The Harvest

The busy bees are working for the harvest

the busy bees are buzzing for the harvest

they're trying their best to make ends meet

but all the while, and in between,

there's surely only one,

the queen.

the rest will surely perish,

fast.

the others only waiting,

last.

their beating wings are soon,

the past.

Unstoppable, One Day I'll be...

When the day is over, the sun is slowly peeking up over the horizon, and we lie ourselves down in our empty beds, what thoughts run through our heads as we attempt to drift into another day? For me it's not so much the regrets. It's more the uneasy realization that everything is simply not in my control. Most days I run with the idea and everything seems to naturally fall into place. Yet, while sitting back and letting "fate" run its course is easy enough, I can't allow myself to remain listless.

One day I'll be unstoppable. I'll have the life that I want and the one that is right for me. I'll love my friends and my family with my whole heart and the stimulating atmosphere will push me to be the best I can be. Until then I present a challenge to myself and others: live life to the fullest. When you lay your head down, before you doze off into another day, push yourself to love more deeply, listen more carefully, and genuinely express concern for another human being.

The Empathic Drive to Belong

"Life is a Party, So Dance!"

Windows down, music blasting, tanned skin, flowing hair, and blatant disregard for anything negative. The summer months remind us of our youth and vigor. Now is the best time for anything. Don't wait to achieve your goals: start right now! And more importantly remember that we are not creatures who must abide by the motto, "survival of the fittest". Humans inherently posses a quality of vulnerability. While highly resilient, we acknowledge our own lives to be fragile and as we realize that we are bound together by our desire to live and celebrate life. When we can comprehend our own human nature and observe that there is an innate instinct to belong and coexist, life doesn't have to be so stressful. Live it up, get some sun, create solidarity amongst good hearted people, and extend your love to everyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdB-8eLEW8g

90+90 degrees and 45 miles per hour

Through the mundanity that we are all forced to endure, the tiresome and routine activities such as sitting through traffic while driving the same route to work, completing necessary cleaning throughout our homes, and managing to supply sustenance to our bodies just so we can do it all over again, I find all too easy to question and confront the reasons why we live in such a repetitive manner.

When the grind has worn me out, my drawer of yesteryear's love is begging for a long overdue cleaning, and I surmise that it may be some time until I find a change in the system, the outlier I was searching for makes its presence known and the idea of possibilities excites me and pushes me through another countless, tiresome, mundane day.

I seek excitement and variety in my life. I am attracted and facilitated by change. Yet, strangely enough I want one thing opposing my own life's calling. That thing is a glimpse of a view into the future. A future where I stand, not alone, but next to another. A soulmate. A person, I can trust wholeheartedly will be there for me through the best and worst times and someone who I will always be there for no matter what the circumstance.

I see possibility and I worry. I worry that with all the opportunities I have already managed to discard there might not be too many more. My mind tells me to weigh out every choice all too carefully. But my instinctual and newly healed fleshy blood pumper screams, "life is too short to wonder if you should make a choice!"

A fantasy, a dream, or a vision, will always be just that unless you put into action those desires. After all, if you never try you'll never be able to succeed.

Fighting the Good Fight

A late night. Restless in bed I find myself recalling past memories more vividly when on the brink of sleep depravity. Reality and fantasy become one when immersed in the dream world and yet I find it hard to discern the two when completely immersed in the music. My dream, my fantasy, or rather, my fallacious reality is that people will stop giving up so easily. More so, that I will stop giving up so easy.

In our time, we find a way out and we take it. We rationalize our thoughts, tendencies, and troubles until our inner self is satisfied. This rationalization, a dark body of water, if you will, is something in which I have seem to become submerged. The weight is becoming too much and the burden I no longer wish to carry.

All stubbornness aside, as I draw from past experiences, I acknowledge my tendency of heartbreak and if karma must run its cycle then I indeed am being requited only what is fair. However, when does the suffering become too much to keep fighting the good fight? I accept that things and people change but a heart's desire is one of the realest things I have experienced the short while alive on this earth. My attempt is to put aside past faults and accept the person you are and the person I had grown to love so fondly.

Until then, Fight the Good Fight, and never stop trying to reach out to the ones you love. As time may take away the hurt and new love will grow, perhaps even more strongly than before, a fight well fought is a wound in the form of memories that reminds us to hold onto what we love.

Soul Searching and Sinful Satisfaction

After a quarter of an average lifespan already lived, how does one find solace while stuck in a liminal abyss? Searching for answers leads only to more questions and received answers never satisfy a thirsty mind. Living life with no direction or dictation seems without purpose, and living strictly by the books, for a sole cause, only brings distaste and a want for a more suitable conviction. My anguish stems not from a lack of circumspection but more from a worry. A worry that manifests itself in my waking sleep and otherwise waking life. The cancerous apprehension multiplies, yielding an ambiguous blob of doubt, indecision, and remorse for past actions. I crave attention but loathe overbearing company. Narcissistic tendencies flood the bathroom mirror while alone but rapidly vanish from the vanity when insecurities arise in the presence of others. I want to love myself and others without ever casting a condescending comment towards another. Experience tells me that our personal vices grip hard and remain steadfast and that perturbs my sleep deprived body. When I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can hear the train coming down the tracks, I don't want to bring along any residual baggage of past flaws. I want the next station to be the next chapter of new life and a better me.

Attachment is the Origin of Suffering

"If someone wants to be a part of your life they'll make an effort to be in it so don't bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay"

This quote has made appearances on quite a view websites and networking sites but I don't think it's lost its meaning. You shouldn't have to beg someone to make time for you or pry your way into their schedule.

In all honesty, this post is directed towards a specific recipient. It seems that even though words can ease a broken heart, they are only ever as good as a glue stick is at holding bricks together. And while my house of clay seems to be sturdy from far away, all it takes is anything less than scrutiny to realize that this sucker is unstable, and deceitfully about to crumble.

I want to say I haven't lost faith in the female counterparts that so gracefully seduce us males into a wavering battle of thoughts and emotions. Yet, their credibility is slowly fading away just like the shores of Florida. My only request to all the lovely temptresses out there is this: please don't hook someone in, destroy their heart, then attempt to mend it back together with a glue stick and tell us you used cement. Because at the end of the day when our edifices deteriorate you'll be left to collect the insurance money while we are trapped under the weight of it all.

Attempting the Sublime

Newton had it right when he introduced to the world his idea of every action possessing an equal but opposite reaction. While most of us may not receive our inspiration via dangling tree fruit plummeting our craniums, inspiration does often seek us out in ways we least expect. But gravity aside, physics applies to our lives and life choices. Humans have deemed all actions to fall on a categorical line ranging in opposition from the most morally corrupt to the most conservative prude. And if not for morals, for comfort zones, for cultural norms or for specific upbringings we might discover our world, while full of color now, to be devoid of any such chroma.

I've come to apprehend the direct consequences my actions have upon people and how those consequences are related to a person's morals. While there are set laws and norms that are ubiquitous, some people won't think twice to bend, break, or defy a law while others live a legalistic-esque lifestyle, never daring to go against the higher order. Thus, our morals are correlated to how we interpret someone else's or our own actions and conclude those actions to fall somewhere on the categorical line.

Newton fits into all this because our actions initiate a response in someway or another. The response however is varied based on our individual morals. But if morals did not exists and there was no right or wrong and people just did what they wanted then I wonder what the world would be like.

In the quest that life certainly is, after days of mundanity, replete with dull conversation and negativity, I challenge myself to search for the sublime. In our world, the supernatural occurrences are what bring me hope that tomorrow is going to be better. That I'll one day find a niche and I'll be comfortable enough to settle into my life and be happy with everyday I'm given.

The True Price of Wanderlust

We think we want something. We tell ourselves, "if only I could have that, be that, do that, I'd be so satisfied". But satisfaction comes with a price and usually the price overshadows our moment of sunshine we yearned for so badly.

I want to be real. I want to stop wanting and start working to make my life good instead of buying a frozen dinner at the store and calling it a day. When I have problems or difficult situations arise I shut down. I turn off the world and curl into a ball in the comfort of my room and pretend like I'll wake up some time later with an epiphany or perhaps everything will magically be as it should in my ideological world.

My own stubbornness won't let me stop dreaming and nor do I think I should. Dreams are what get us through the day. They provided us with words to manipulate and conjure into fantastic descriptions of places we yearn to visit and people who we aspire to meet. The key is to draw the line though and be thankful for every second we have. The gift of life was given to us in a few short seconds and in just the same way it can be taken away. Make every moment count and take for granted nothing.

White Padded Walls, Pills, and Clocks.

I can't recall the moment when I became so afraid of the world. But here I am now. Alone. Afraid. Paranoid android. Sure, every moment in my life is a realization: how small of a fish I am in such a large despondent and esoteric sea or how little I know, but when did I become the timid tiger, afraid to tackle the gazelle? These machines we have made are death traps. Life is a huge death trap. Mother nature and the course of life already have their mines set and charged, but to add more, we all pick a side and play the game of survival. Sure, it's no way to live life, hiding indoors, or isolated on a private island, because some inevitable disease, disaster, or act of devastation will ultimately consume you when the clock ticks dooms day and the fates cut the thread. I don't wish I was naive. I believe in order to appreciate life and people around us there needs to be knowledge, innate or learned, that life is fragile. But maybe that's why I so inherently search for a companion. The thing of it is, I am sure that there are several people who can fit the role. But when the years have added up and I'm lying on a chair looking out onto the west coast shoreline at a sunset that will still blow my mind away, despite years of watching sunsets, I wanna know with absolute certainty that it is my destiny to be in love with that particular person. God, people are so concerned with the material possessions of the world and the statuses they obtain, but we should be more concerned with how we feel and how people feel. One day all the literature, all the history, all the everything will be gone. And all we will have left is a possible afterlife, if such a thing exists. And there's no possible way material possessions in this life will correlate to how happy or extravagant our life might be in the vast beyond.

prose of a sad soul

The music fills me seepin' into cracks and craters

I'm nothing but a loser, a fornicator,

a sinner a downer, no wait i'm a drowner,

Im alone in a battle, uphill don't tattle

you can't ask the man to save my soul

only the righteous or rather the whole

to the rest of my puzzle

to which i'm simply a piece

and this world is only art to an artist, we are his masterpiece

we're only here to make deals

there is no privacy

we are mice in a cage

but maybe we are better off

running on this planet sized wheel

for the cheese

glossy eyes full of rage.

spinning miles and miles per hour

perhaps the eyes just want the power

they're betting on the winner

and behind the clock's shadow of the tower

the underdog's hour

the 15 minutes of fame

i'll devour any opposition

but thats my disposition

i'll take my position

with the right ammunition

your flesh will meet your maker

we all know you're a faker

so don't be such a limper

we all see through your temper.

F*CK DREAMS

Waiting for some unrealistic revelation to take place is comparable to waiting for wings to grow from our backs or gills to slit open in our necks. Sure, evolutionary advances, scientific debauchery, or even elegantly crafted illusions might lead the naive to accept such a miracle. But to those with perhaps an ounce of cynicism we find the world replete with let-downs. Our candor gets us only so far and our aloofness simply circumnavigates our vessel of hope back into poignant waters.

180 RPM And Escaping The Black Hole of Liminality

When you dance, when you let go, when you stop trying to analyze every damn thing and just live, you stop the suffering. Our lives are defined by our own personal criteria: while we may be heavily influenced by others, it's our self-imposed traits that give life to the way we feel. I am the greatest critic of myself and it's primarily due to insecurities that have developed through my upbringing.

I find myself in a liminal state. On the threshold of two existential planes, of two imminent yet pertinent realities. I'm trapped in my own mind, in limbo, searching for solid ground and a destination. What if my destination is in this black hole of liminality? Is it not possible that I might be forever doomed to wander in this empty space, always searching for a place of solace but never reaching a conclusion?

For the time being I seek an escape. Whether it's a short lived high or for a lengthier stint of time, I'll accept that I can escape the whole concept of existence when I let it all go. When time disappears and intellection ceases to exist as a priority, I'm one with the music and I'll submit to the flooding waves of color with every note of melody, every change of pitch, and every tone of euphoric timbre.

Confirming Reality

Are we not all drawn to the pretty face in the crowd, to the jarring melodies in their voice, to the subtle gestures of fatal attraction? If we are all but made for one person, then why do we continually force ourselves into ill-fated monogamous agreements between state and a deity perhaps not even believed in, with hopes of finding complete and total satisfaction. Is it that we see the mold of the american dream as a true representative icon of happiness? We as homo sapiens seem to deny our ability to think independently. I have surmised that there truly are people incapable of forming self interests and must leech off of others. This culminating effort, pick-and-choose personality, is what slays human originality in its most naked of naked states. We are but leeches copying and burning what we learn and observe from others. We then regurgitate our newly found "interests" and proclaim them as our own possessions as part of our own essence, so to speak. Thus, by manipulating ourselves from insecure and despondent to collected and confident, we find our selves[humans] to be inherently in flux, on the quest for a metaphysical realization that no one ever truly seems to grasp. Essentially we solidify our awaiting fate, resting in a place where creativity ceases to exist all together.

Inherent Existentialism

I'm at a tugging point. My roller coaster life continually throws me for loops and I'm stuck questioning it all. Who am I? What are my goals? What will truly bring me satisfaction in this mixed up crazy world. We are all struggling for identity. I seek purpose everyday. Maybe I'm an addict for attention but it fuels me. I want it all but it's not even mine for the taking. Am I selfish? Am I a kind person? Am I too full-of-myself? That I am. As has been said, the unexamined life is not worth living and so I continually wonder if I'll ever achieve my true self. If ever there is an answer to my call let me hear it as I wander the world searching and learning everyday.